Thoughts Unlocked – Overcoming Communication Anxiety

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I’m Skot Waldron, and when I’m not hosting Unlocked, I’m speaking at events all over the globe, helping leaders and teams communicate better, build trust faster, and actually, enjoy working together. I know. Who would have thought? I’ve spoken for companies like the Home Depot, I’ve spoken at national architectural firms, at their sales training, off-sites for major pharmaceutical companies and industry associations, have thousands of attendees who have read my sessions with 99% of them saying they found the sessions valuable, 97% saying they’d actually attend again. I’ve had caterers come up to me afterwards and thank me because they actually got something they could use when they went home or when they went back to their own jobs. I mean, if every keynote delivered those types of numbers, nobody would secretly be refreshing their email under the table. And let’s be honest, that’s a little bit of my nightmare. Maybe a little bit of yours. Yeah, something that keeps me up at night.

If you’re an event planner, looking for a speaker who’s easy to work with and delivers actual value that people can take away and use on Monday. Let’s make your event unforgettable.

Welcome to Unlocked, where we tackle here on the show leadership communication and today a little bit of the mental gymnastics that happen right before you speak up in a meeting and wish that the earth would just swallow you whole. Because you know, we’re going to talk a little bit about communication anxiety specifically in professional settings because I know you know that moment right, you’ve rehearsed what you’re gonna say, your heart’s pounding, like you’re at a warehouse rave, y ‘all been to those. And your brain just starts firing off all these helpful thoughts, the helpful ones. Like, what if I sound dumb, or what if I offend somebody, or when, and I hear this one often, what if they secretly all just hate me and I get fired mid-sentence?

Has that ever happened? Probably not. So, let’s unpack all this stuff. I want to get into this because this is something that I feel a lot of people are struggling with. Here’s what social psychology tells us. Anxiety in communication often stems from the fear of judgment. Also known as what we call Evaluation apprehension. so if you want to carry that word around evaluation apprehension. Yeah, the spotlight effect, It really kicks in you feel like everybody’s focused on you. Everybody’s watching you Waiting to just catch your every mistake so that you know, they can make fun of you or discredit you or you fire you. No, that’s not what they’re doing news flash.

They’re not doing this stuff. Most people are really, really just too busy wondering how they sound. They’re wondering about their own problems, how they’re going to communicate with everybody. The spotlight effect is on them. So, they’re not really worried that much about you. The key is to normalize this anxiety.

Feeling nervous, it doesn’t mean you’re unqualified. It just means that you care. And caring is a leadership strength. It is not a liability. So, what I want you to do is I want you to get your brain out of the spotlight.

According to psychologist Thomas Gilovich, we dramatically overestimate how much others notice us. This is called that spotlight effect. And when you’re communicating something tough, like giving feedback, disagreeing with somebody, presenting a new idea, remember, people aren’t, they’re not zooming in on you and your every word. They’re mostly thinking about what they’re having for lunch. Okay.

This mental shift, it helps us reduce this self-focused anxiety spiral that we get ourselves into. I want you to shift your focus from self-consciousness to service. Ask yourself, how can I help this person or team with what I’m about to say? Okay. Because I am willing to bet that you are pretty helpful. I’m just going to say it. You’re helpful. Okay.

I also want you to kind of script out maybe the first 10 seconds. Just get moving. Social psychologists, they’ve found this to be the hardest part of the stressful interaction is the anticipation, not the moment itself. It is the anticipation. So, let’s get started with those first few lines, you know, you could say something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our last meeting. And there’s something I wanted to talk through because I think it matters how we move forward.” All right, so let’s just get the words moving, just get them out of your mouth, the anxiety, it usually drops off once you’ve done this, you don’t need to perfect it, just kind of get an entry point going.

You can also talk about how we use our words. So instead of saying things like, “I’m nervous,” say things like, “Oh, I’m kind of excited right now.” Excited, nervous. Can we kind of play on the words a little bit? It sounds dumb maybe to you, but science, this is science-backed, my friends. At Harvard study showed that people who framed their anxiety as excitement actually performed better in public speaking and professional communication.

So, hey, spin it, try to trick your brain. Your brain’s pretty smart, but maybe for a minute, maybe. This is called cognitive reappraisal. Yeah, all these fancy words I’m teaching you today. You’re not suppressing your anxiety; you’re just giving it a new job. Because of Logically excitement and anxiety. They look almost identical racing heart alert brain sweaty everything the defense. The difference is the story that we’re attaching to it.

Now people who feel anxious they often freeze because they think it has to be polished. But vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Vulnerability Builds credibility. So, I want you to try this. Maybe you say something like, “Hey, I’m still thinking through all of this, but here’s where I’m at.” Or “Hey, maybe this is a half -baked thought, and I’m open to pushbacks, so I would love to hear what you have to say.” So, you are giving yourself permission to think out loud, and ironically, that makes you sound all the more confident. So welcome to the weird logic of leadership, everybody.

Overpreparing can be anxiety in disguise. So, if you’re rehearsing 40 versions of your email or obsessing over every word of your presentation, I want you to ask yourself this, am I getting ready or am I avoiding the real moment? Okay. I want you to get clear on your core point, I want you to understand your intended outcome, and I want you to think about your next step. Core point, what’s the point? What’s the outcome? What’s the next step? Clarity, my friends, is going to beat perfection always.

Look, anxiety, it’s not a flaw. It’s a feature of your nervous system trying to protect you because that’s what your brain is built to do, to keep you alive. So, it wants to move you away from discomfort. It wants to seek instant gratification, and it wants to be as lazy as possible because that means that it doesn’t have to expend as much energy, which means that when that tiger tries to eat you, you will be able to run faster. All right, that’s what the brain thinks.

The trick is you need to lead your brain, not be led by it. Okay, let me repeat that. I want you to lead your brain, not be led by it. You are not under a microscope. You don’t need to be brilliant. Just be clear, just be human. And no, your co-worker Jeff isn’t silently judging your breathing pattern. No, he’s not. He’s not. He’s not.

Courage, it doesn’t mean fear disappears. It means you hit send anyway. That’s what courage is. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Unlocked. If this episode gave your nervous system a giant hug, well share it with someone else who’s ever panicked over a Zoom immune button. And if you’re still anxious after all this, good. That we’re still growing.